White House Demands Resignation From Boehner's Tanning Team

Washington, D.C.- White House press secretary Robert Gibbs has fired the latest salvo in his pitched battle with House Minority Leader John Boehner.
Responding to the Ohio Republican's demand that President Obama's economic team resign, Gibbs retorted that it's Boehner's "tanning team that should resign."
"I can only speak for myself, but if I had asked for the economic team to step down, I would have at least made sure that my base tan and applications were even," hammered Gibbs. "Maybe Representative Boehner's team down at Malibu Tans should think about resigning too then."
In a further sign that Boehner's hue is drawing more attention than his political message, a recent USA Today Poll shows that 63% of respondents falsely identify Boehner as actor George Hamilton, while 12% believe that he is in someway related to "The Situation" from Jersey Shore."

In Wake of Scandal, Vatican Launches New "Pontifapants" For Kids, Teens

As the Catholic Church continues to deal with a pedophile scandal that only seems to be gaining more steam, Vatican officials have announced the launch of a new line of bishop-proof pants for children and teens.
The "Pontifipants" will come in several styles and cuts and will be equipped with a special security code that can be set by parents before any church function. Once deployed, the "Pontifapants" can only be removed by entering the 4-8 digit code. Any attempt to lower or remove the pants will set off an alarm.
Cardinal Walter Kaspar, a top Vatican official, says that the initial line of "Pontifapants" will be available in Western Europe on May 1st. Sales won't begin in North America until July 1st, but pre-orders can be made now at www.vatican.va.

Thanks to iPad, Reading Now Can Take Place In Any Room In Your House

While the debate rages on about the merits of Steve Job's new device, it's hard to argue over the impact that the new iPad will have on reading.
"I can't wait until Saturday," says Seth Audin, a 32 year-old DBA from Portland. "Being able to read a book or the New York Times anywhere I go in the house is going to be incredible."
Audin, however, knows that not everybody shares his enthusiasm for the iPad. In fact, Garret Townsend, a colleague of Audin's, hasn't been shy about pointing out all the standard features that will be missing from the iPad.
"It doesn't do anything a computer does", blasts Townsend, adding, "And I can't wait to see Seth carrying around this gigantic iPad in his tiny, effeminate hands," says Townsend. "He's such a fan boy too, sometimes I want to punch him right in the iNads."
Audin believes that critics who spend too much time pointing out what the iPad doesn't have are failing to see what it can do. "I think when people see me being able to look at photos, listen to music, and watch videos anywhere I want, even out at a coffee shop, they are going to wish they had an iPad like me," says Audin.

GOP Removes Balls From House Gymnasium, Will Take Them Home Until Further Notice

In reaction to yesterday's historic health care reform vote, GOP lawmakers have reportedly removed all basketballs, soccer balls, and dodge balls from the House gymnasium today.
"Screw this. I'm out of here," said House Minority Whip Eric Cantor (R-VA), carrying a burlap sack full of various sports balls over his shoulder. "Hope the Dems enjoy trying to play H-O-R-S-E without a ball today at lunch. Jerks."
In addition to the balls, reports are also emerging that a significant amount of jacks, jump ropes, and hopscotch chalk is also missing.

In Effort To Gather Support For Health Care Bill, White House Throws In $20 Gift Card to Applebee's

In a clear sign of president Barack Obama's deepening resolve to pass health care reform, the White House announced today that "every American family will receive a $20 gift card to Appleebee's if the health care bill becomes law."
As expected, Republicans seized on the proposal, with Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) citing it as "another example of the White House being out of touch with the will of the people. Everybody knows that Waffle House, Chick-Fil-A, or Cracker Barrel would have been far better choices."
Immediate reaction from the public, however, seems to show broad support for the so called "Applebee's Rider".
"It's about time Washington got something done," says Terry Phillips, a 32 year-old unemployed autoworker from Dearborn, Michigan. "I don't really give a shit about what's in the bill, but I do know that my old lady loves her some Riblets. Maybe that will keep her yap shut for an hour or two."

Nation Rejoices as HBO and Tom Hanks Team Up To Tell The Never Before Told Story of World War II

After decades of wallowing in obscurity, the untold story of something called "World War II" will finally be brought to life by actor/producer Tom Hanks and HBO in a new series called "The Pacific", airing this weekend.
"Finally the untold story of our nation's secret war to defeat National Socialism in Europe and Imperial Japan in the Pacific will emerge at last from the shadows," says head writer Felix Stoneweiler. "I think people are going to be pretty surprised to learn what took place between 1939 and 1945 on pretty much every continent of the globe."
"I proud that we are filling this huge gap in our nation's history because I was always shocked that such a riveting story as this had never been portrayed in books, movies, or even video games before," explains assistant director Shane Morrison. "One wonders how such a life-altering global conflict has managed to remain off the radar for so long in the first place."

The Pacific starts this Sunday at 9:00 PM on HBO.

Obama Outlines Measures To Appease Republicans On Health Reform

President Obama is set to speak today on his plans for continuing to push for the passage of his embattled health care reform bill, hoping to highlight areas where he has incorporated Republican ideas.
Among the proposals that the White House feels will generate support across the aisle are the following:

• State Health Care Lotteries: the idea of providing an exciting health care lottery based on the already popular state lotteries where the uninsured can buy scratch-off tickets which award prizes ranging from a free physical to major organ transplants is currently catching fire among Republicans.

• Tax cuts for the wealthy: considerable steam is gathering around the notion that tax breaks for the country's wealthiest citizens have a positive "trickle down" effect on the health of the lower classes. Seeing a guy from uptown driving around in a new Lexus has been shown to motivate people dying from untreated disease to want to fight on a bit longer. Why focus negative energy on your impending death when you can use it to achieve the wider goal of purchasing a luxury sedan?

• "Survivor: Health Care Island"- Republican lawmakers and CBS are in serious discussions to produce a health care-themed version of the popular reality television series. Details remain vague but participants would fight it out over several weeks, resulting in the winner being awarded health care for themselves and qualifying family members (subject to cancellation based on pre-existing conditions).